


I Should Really Ask for a Raise

by captain_shitpost



Series: Ambassador Papyrus [2]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Underfell, Ambassador Papyrus, Gen, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-23
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2019-02-19 04:16:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13115835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captain_shitpost/pseuds/captain_shitpost
Summary: Underfell Papyrus has a perfectly average day as an Ambassador of Monsterkind.





	I Should Really Ask for a Raise

**Author's Note:**

  * For [InsanelyADD](https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsanelyADD/gifts).



> Mother I hope you like this.

Papyrus tugged on his gloves, fidgeting in the least noticeable way that he could. He felt incredibly exposed not wearing his regular battle body but a black suit, and the only familiar garment on his bones was his usual leather gloves. He really wished for a greater point of comfort before he made his speech in front of the audience and cameras. He missed the scarf he used to fiddle with, but instead of getting up and pacing he took deep breaths and stole glances at Frisk sitting next to him. He might be the ambassador, but Frisk was still a hero to the entire monster race and often attended speeches and gatherings with him or Asgore. Papyrus was glad they turned down the offer of being the official ambassador for monster kind-they were, after all, a child. And children should focus on playing and reading books and exploring the world, not holding down full-time jobs trying to stop humans from getting hostile against monsters or dealing with stealth insults and smear campaigns.

Frisk was the only point of brightness on the stage-the podium, chairs, and everyone’s outfits were the colours of the monarchy, black or red or gold, but Frisk wore rainbow tights and a sparkly tutu along with their favourite striped sweater. It warmed his heart to see them wearing no less than 7 bracelets, 3 on the right arm and 4 on the left, several made by him and others my Doctor Alphys. They really had impeccable style.

Sans was a different story entirely. He sat on Frisk’s other side, two seats away from him on the stage, subtly signing away with the small human. Papyrus studiously avoided looking at him just in case he was punning again. Keeping humans from attacking monster businesses that would open outside of the monster part of town wasn’t a joke, and he really didn’t want a video of him bodily throwing his brother through a window to end up on national television. Stars, he had to avoid looking at him just to keep himself from sneering at his outfit. He dressed in the same outfit he lived and slept in, only substituting his regular t-shirt for one that had a tie printed on it and had holes that could be hidden by his jacket. How the _fuck_ was Papyrus even related to this gremlin, he’ll never know.

An applause rang through the hall, snapping Papyrus from his mounting internal tirade. The human politician whose name he forgot (honestly, why did humans have such indistinct names?) had finished his speech about his hopes for human-monster cooperation. Papyrus clapped slowly, then got up and straightened his suit. He caught a thumbs-up from Frisk in his peripheral vision and smiled back, using the momentum to lock his well-practiced confident posture in place. He shook the hand of the politician, not missing the glint of discomfort in his eye as he took the podium. The applause died down, and of course Sans waited for the moment everything was quiet to whistle in support. Papyrus vowed to buy him a pair of socks tomorrow just to set it on fire right in front of his eyes.

He could feel his soul burning in agitation, his magic so jittery he needed to clear his throat to get his voice to work better. He learned how to act calm despite his nerves years ago, but he doubted he would ever be at ease with so many unfriendly eyes on him. “THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING HERE TODAY, ESPECIALLY THE MEMBERS OF THE HUMAN AMBASSADORSHIP, AS WELL AS THE REPRESENTATIVE OF THE DEPARTMENT OF COMMERCE, THE MAYOR OF EBOTT CITY AS WELL AS THE PRESIDENT OF THE WESTFIELD MALL. TODAY, WE COMMENCE A NEW PLAN TO IMPROVE MONSTER-HUMAN RELATIONS BY HAVING THE FIRST 3 MONSTER-OWNED STORES OPEN OUTSIDE OF THE MONSTER DISTRICT. WE HOPE THAT THIS WILL BE THE FIRST STEP TOWARDS THE FREEDOM MONSTERS DESERVE-WE HAVE BEEN CONFINED TO LIVING AND OPENING BUSINESSES ONLY IN OUR OWN DISTRICT, BUT WITH THIS WE WILL FINALLY BEGIN INTEGRATING INTO HUMAN SOCIETY AT LARGE.”

Papyrus talked on, letting his muscle (bone?) memory take over. He always practiced his speeches until he could recite them while fighting Undyne, as much as that annoyed her, and Sans was up most of last night listening to him practice and criticizing him. Most of his critiques were badly formulated puns and fake snoring, but it was arguably better than nothing. It helped him get over his nerves and it was better than lying in bed all night anyways, staring at the ceiling and wonder if he should risk sleep or not. He knew human reporters would be only too glad to record a mistake he made and mock him for it on the news, or make videos making fun of him and post them online, as if his words were as inconsequential as the whining of a child. When he dreamed as a young skeleton about becoming popular and beloved and feared, for everyone’s eyes to be on him, he didn’t think it would feel like _this_.

He let his gaze wander over the audience, letting information passively seep into his memory the way he trained himself to do. He had to keep most of his mental faculties on his speech and keeping it in proper English pronunciation, but he still noticed the camerahuman frowning at him in disapproval, the fidgeting of a single human with dark, kinky hair that was greater than the fidgeting of the others, the 2 human guards near the door, hands folded in front of them. He felt his attention returning to the guards again and again, and only after they slowly, synchronously raised their hands to their guns did he realize it was because they didn’t have the unfocused, broad gazes of guards on duty, but kept looking between the monsters only.

Papyrus cut off mid-sentence, already running to grab Frisk and slinging them over his shoulder like a sack of flour before the audience had time to break out of their surprise and start muttering. He jumped off the stage to the right just as the sounds of the first gunshots rang through the room. He could only glance shortly at the guards, see them aiming their guns in the spot he had just been, before he had to look forwards. He expertly kicked the table on the right side of the room over, apologizing internally for the spatter of finger-foods and tiny cupcakes on the floor, then ducked behind the solid metal table. He was glad Undyne had the idea to have easily accessible shelter, just in case. She may be brash and completely reckless with herself, but she knew her job well.

Papyrus set Frisk down, letting them cover their ears from the loud gunfire and screaming of the humans. Thankfully, the small human just seemed upset at the noise and not terrified. Papyrus wouldn’t have killed the humans that made them cry-he didn’t want to endanger monsterkind just for some very satisfying revenge-but he would surely have had a bit of fun if they scared his friend.

“what’s the plan, bro?” Sans asked, predictably already behind the table. Papyrus knew his brother could take care of himself-one didn’t survive the Underground with 1 HP without being both strong and ridiculously good at getting out of bad situations. Still, the focused panic that gripped his soul too tight loosened up just a bit at hearing his voice.

“I HAVE TO GO OUT AND APPREHEND THOSE HUMAN ATTACKERS. YOU STAY HERE AND PROTECT FRISK. I’M COUNTING ON YOU TO KEEP THEM SAFE,” he explained, loosening his tie. He hazarded a look over the edge of the table, before he saw one of the guards turn towards him. He ducked back down before several bullets pinged against the table, the sound briefly reminding him of the time Frisk played a metalophone for Toriel. The sound would have been soothing if wasn’t marred by the smell of gunpowder.

Sans took his phone out, squirming into a more comfortable position as he tapped open that infuriating cat game. It wasn’t a puzzle game or a strategy game, or even one that required actual effort to play, no. It just involved tapping the screen and waiting around. There wasn’t even a way to win or solve it. Of course Sans would put in the least amount of effort into even his fun. “you got it, boss,” he said with a lazy salute. Frisk raised their head from their position, expression blank but somehow displaying all the determination they had.

“FRISK, YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN’T GO OUT THERE AND FIGHT THEM. THEY HAVE GUNS,” Papyrus chastised them gently, unlocking his cell phone. Frisk’s eyebrows furrowed as they settled back down, crossing their arms. Papyrus chuckled fondly. They were such a tough young human, no wonder they were a hero. “WE CAN FIGHT ONCE WE GET HOME, ALRIGHT? AND WE CAN EVEN HAVE THOSE I-SCREAM SANDWICHES WE BOUGHT YETERDAY AS A SNACK!”

Frisk was still radiating displeasure, but they seemed to relax a bit. Papyrus managed to raise his phone over the table edge enough for the camera to catch the human shooters, papyrus noting their current positions and hostages without raising his head this time. One was closer to the door, blocking the way, while another had his gun trained on the hostages. It seems a third one, wearing a suit as opposed to the other two, was brandishing a gun in their direction. He must have noticed the movement of the camera because another 2 shots fired in his direction before dying down again. He nodded to himself. “ALRIGHT, I’LL BE BACK WITHIN 15 MINUTES, AND THEN AFTER I DEAL WITH THE MEDIA WE CAN GO HOME,” he promised, putting his phone back in his pants. He thought about giving it to Sans for safekeeping, but what if someone called and he didn’t answer on time??? It simply would not do!

He activated his magic, feeling his soul flutter in excitement before he raised a wall of bone taller than him, reaching close to the stage on the left side all the way to the wall on the right. He waited for the first gunshots in his direction before sending a bone to the left side, then stepped onto the edge of the knocked-down table and jumped as high as he could.

With the movement of his bone attack drawing the attention and gunfire of the humans, they didn’t notice him in the air until it was too late. He relished the look of slowly rising panic as the suit-wearing assassin noticed him, right before a bone attack slammed right into his right hand, knocking his arm up and away from the crowd. Another flying bone hit his hand, knocking the gun out of his grip and also breaking a few fingers, if his screams were anything to go by. Another bone attack to his knees and he was down, screaming bloody murder. Two to go.

He landed on the ground, not bothering to straighten up before sending a wave of bone attacks both left and right. The human on the right stumbled over one of the first bones and fell down, firing a shot but going off mark by nearly a meter. The other human managed to stay on their feet though, jumping over the bones, managing to stay upright even after tanking a cyan attack. That human fired a volley of shots in his general direction, forcing Papyrus to run close to the wall to draw them away from the humans trying to stay alive. He felt several graze his bones, thankfully not shattering them, as he ran at the wall at top speed just to run across it for a few steps. The human ducked beneath a table, the momentary pause in gunfire long enough for Papyrus to kick off from the wall and slam into the table hard enough to break it.

“HOLD STILL, YOU CONTUMELIOUS MOTHERFUCKER!!!” Papyrus screamed, turning the human’s soul blue. The unfamiliar feeling of weight on their body made him raise his gun arm too slowly, giving Papyrus plenty of time to kick him in his stomach, wrenching the gun out of his hands while they were too busy trying to breathe.

The human that got knocked down before had apparently finally gotten their bearings and fired their gun, the bullet thankfully missing by flying several inches from his spine and ripping a hole in his nice suit. The _fucker._ He whirled around, calculating their positions by the angle of the bullet and the direction the gunshot sound came from, a bone attack at the ready and needing just a quick glance to perfect its trajectory. The human screamed as the bone sliced through the outside of their upper arm. They dropped their hand, probably unable to keep it upright with their muscles severed, as all it took was a bone to their knees to bring them down in a heap. Going by the crunching sound, a knee must have given way. He stomped closer and yanked their gun from their hand, taking out the bullets and pocketing them before throwing it away. The other two guns were far enough to disallow easy access, not to mention one of the hostages seemed to have picked one up and was busy taking out the bullets as well. Excellent.

He grabbed the human by their collar, as well as the one in the suit and dragged them crying but not kicking towards the third one, lying in the splinters of the former table. Honestly, they were lucky they fought him. Another monster would have murdered them, and he was even trained in how to fight humans without accidentally killing them. It took him a while to unlearn aiming for the head or which places had to be avoided as there were large blood vessels that could kill quickly if severed, but he was glad he learned how to. Humans were both extremely hardy and incredibly fragile. They frightened him sometimes, just as much as they amazed him. He understood how the monsters could have lost the war all those years ago, despite their superior physical strength and magic use. Humans were weak in body but indestructible in their willpower.

Papyrus dropped the humans in a neat pile and straightened up, stretching his arms over his head with a satisfied sigh. He kept the humans in his sight, but he figured they wouldn’t be able to actually go anywhere or do anything before a long hospital stay and physical therapy. Still, caution is very important. He took out his phone, making another quick scan of the room as he scrolled through the contact list. There didn’t seem to be any mortally wounded hostages lying around in need of assistance, so he dialed Undyne’s number. It rang for a while, Papyrus starting to debate just going out to find her before she finally answered. He could hear her panting, not to mention he could see the blur of her surroundings as she ran across a roof. “What do you want, I’m busy?!”

“I’M DONE INSIDE, WHAT IS YOUR STATUS?” he asked calmly, walking up to the human in the guard uniform inching slowly towards a butter knife. He kicked it away calmly, reassured when their face contorted in hopelessness.

“Give me a minute-” she yelled, before a screech rang through the air, both from the outside and unfortunately from the phone speaker, leaving a ringing in Papyrus’ mistreated ear hole. It took another few seconds for one of the windows to smash open, Undyne drop-kicking a human through it. The human landed on the floor with a thud, followed by a pained yell when Undyne landed on top of their ribcage and the soft tinkle of falling glass. She cut a very impressive figure, standing on one armed and armored human while holding another over her shoulder, as if they were a light sack of potatoes.

She threw the human she was carrying to the ground with a liberal amount of force. Surely the human must have passed out, because Papyrus couldn’t think of any other reason they would stay quiet otherwise. She ended the call with a beep and waved at him with her usual cheeky grin. “Got ‘em, your Royal Ambassadoriness!” she cried out, hands on her hips and chest puffed out. Papyrus wouldn’t believe how cool she was if this was the first time he saw her, but having been her friend for so long, he just felt reassured. Now if only she’d stop mocking him with his title.

“AS EXPECTED OF YOU, CAPTAIN!!! CAN YOU TAKE MINE AS WELL?” he asked, putting his phone away and grabbing the humans with his blue magic. Undyne was already busy tying the hands of her captives behind their backs, but she flashed a quick thumbs-up at his request. With a push of magic, the humans slid across the floor towards the fish monster, jolting and yelling as every bump on the floor aggravated their injuries. It was only when Undyne flipped them onto their fronts and got to work tying them up that Papyrus felt his soul unclench. Really, this was a shoddy murder attempt by even human standards, but even shoddy attempts could be successful if one wasn’t prepared.

He got to work fixing his tie, the voices of the humans rising now that the threat to their lives was gone. He could hear several people crying or calling for others and he was glad to let them scurry about. He could hardly blame them-he knew he wouldn’t be able to relax until he made sure everyone he cared about was safe and sound.

Speaking of which. He heard obnoxious whistling and clapping coming from behind the table, and out of the corner of his sockets he spotted Sans clapping exactly like he was trying to annoy him as much as possible. He saw a strong glint of pride and awe in his sockets though, and Frisk popped up to give him a double thumbs-up before looking back down at Sans’ phone. Papyrus scoffed, feeling his cheeks warm up. Maybe he didn’t feel like a hero doing his everyday job like he has dreamed of, but he felt like a hero for them. It was more than enough.

Alas, duty called. After a quick shirt readjustment to cover bullet holes and dusting off his brand new suit jacket (it already had blood on it, stars burn it) he walked to the camerahuman with quick steps, noting that they were helping another human calm down a young news reporter. He tapped her shoulder decisively, startling her from her actions and making her jump up, ramrod straight and terrified.

Papyrus tapped his foot impatiently, brow bone raised. “CAMERAHUMAN!!! WHILE I KNOW THAT YOUR SPECIES TENDS TO BE EASILY DISTRESSED, WE ARE VERY MUCH BEHIND SCHEDULE! MY SPEECH WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE FINISHED ALMOST 10 MINUTES AGO, AND I HAVE PROMISED MY FRIEND FRISK THAT WE WOULD PARTAKE IN FROZEN DESSERTS ONCE I WAS DONE! AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, THEY ARE WAITING FOR ME AND THEY HAVE SCHOOL IN THE MORNING, SO WOULD YOU KINDLY LET ME FINISH MY SPEECH SO WE CAN ALL GO HOME?” he asked, as politely as he could. He used to have a penchant for, in his own words, unintentionally slighting people, and in Undyne’s words ‘deepthroating his boot’, but his ambassadorship taught him the value of speaking politely. Humans were much more likely to listen to you if you tried to be understanding, and he reserved his usual insults only for those that deserved it these days. Usually anti-monster activists and Sans when he spilled mustard on the couch.

The camerahuman stared at him…dumbfoundedly? Terrifiedly? Papyrus had trouble reading the squishy, malleable faces of humans, what with their exaggerated expressions and all. Frisk’s was so much easier to read. “Y-you want me to. To record you now? Right now,” she stuttered out, her face contorting more.

“YES. UNFORTUNATELY, I DON’T YET KNOW HOW TO OPERATE CAMERAS, SO I WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE YOU DOING YOUR JOB OF RECORDING SPEECHES,” he explained, his foot tapping away to the rhythm of his words.

The human opened her mouth, then closed it, her finger raised in the air as she repeated the curious action several times. Finally, she dropped her hand and sighed. “You know what? Sure,” she said, going to the camera and fiddling with it. Papyrus took his position in front of it, letting the camerahuman guide him until he was correctly positioned, then watching her count down and start filming.

“ _AS I WAS SAYING_ ,” Papyrus pointedly said, annoyance bleeding into his tone despite his attempt to stop it, “THIS PROJECT WILL HOPEFULLY BRING HUMANS AND MONSTERKIND TOGETHER, WORKING SIDE BY SIDE FOR A BETTER FUTURE. ON THAT NOTE, IF YOU WANT ME SPECIFICALLY TO NOT HAVE A FUTURE AT ALL, I KEEP TELLING YOU PEOPLE TO GET BETTER ASSASSINS. I COULD FIGHT OFF THESE MOOKS WITH A LEG TIED BEHIND MY BACK AND RIGATTONE SHOVED INSIDE MY SOCKETS. THEY’RE PATHETIC. NO FINESSE, NO ELEGANCE, NO POWER OF THEIR OWN…THEY DIDN’T EVEN LAY DOWN A SPIKE TRAP TO CUT OFF ESCAPE ROUTES!!! WHOEVER HIRED THESE ASSHOLES SHOULD ASK FOR A REFUND. I’M WILLING TO PAY FOR IT BECAUSE THIS WAS A RIPOFF. WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, YOU FUCKING SUCK AT THIS. GOOD DAY TO YOU,” he exclaimed, before turning decisively away from the camera. He heard the fumbling of the camerahuman behind him as he marched towards the table, Frisk staring at him impatiently.

“THERE WE GO. HOW ABOUT WE GO GET SOMETHING TO EAT NOW?” he asked, not quite able to control his smile when Frisk bounced excitedly and climbed over the desk.

Sans was close behind them, taking Frisk’s hand just as Papyrus was getting a grip on their other. “you think if we get lunch they’ll let us write it off as a business expense?”

Papyrus harrumphed. “THEY BETTER. I COULDN’T SAVE ANY OF THE TINY SANDWICHES.”


End file.
